Applicants for the vacancy of Pastor:
Adam: Good man but has problems with his wife. Known to practice nud*ty in public, however.
Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years but no converts. Prone to unrealistic building projects.
Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart; believes in dream interpretation and has a prison record.
Moses: A modest and meek man, but a poor communicator; even stutters at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly in business meetings. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge!
David: The most promising leader of all the applicants until we discovered the affair he had with a neighbour’s wife.
Solomon: Great preacher, but serious woman problem.
Elijah: Prone to depression; collapses under pressure.
Hosea: A tender and loving pastor, but our people could never handle his wife’s occupation.
Jonah: Told us he was swallowed by a great fish. He said the fish later spat him out on the shore near here. We hung up.
Amos: Too much of a country hick. Backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he might have promise, but he has a hang-up against wealthy people.
John: Some say he’s a Baptist, but he doesn’t dress like one. May be too Pentecostal. Tends to lift both hands in the air to worship when he gets excited. You know we limit to ONE hand. Sleeps in the outdoors, has a weird diet and provokes denominational leaders.
Peter: Too blue-collar. Has a bad temper, even said to have cursed in public. He’s a loose cannon.
Paul: Powerful CEO type and fascinating preacher. However, he’s short on tact, unforgiving with young ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night.
Timothy: Too young.
Judas: His references are SOLID! A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We’re inviting him to preach with a view!!