How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

a….. Charismatic: Only one; hands are already in the air.
b……Pentecostal: Ten. One to change the bulb,and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
c……Presbyterian: None. The lights will go on and off at predestined times.
d……Catholic: None. Candles only.
e….. Baptist: At least 15. One to change the light bulb,and 3 committees to approve the change and to decide who brings the fried chicken & potato salad.
f…….Morman: Five. One to change the light bulb and 4 wives to tell him how to do it.
g……Amish: What’s a light bulb?

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One Liners

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Few women admit their age; few men act it.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

You can’t have everything; where would you put it?

Campers: Nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

DNA: National Dyslexic Association.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

On the other hand…. you have different fingers.

I don’t find it hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

I just let my mind wander, and it didn’t come back.

Don’t steal, the government hates competition.

Humpty Dumpty was pushed.

National Atheist’s Day is April 1st.

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Continue reading “One Liners”

Three Hymns

One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

Rosie, all the way in the back, shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him!”

Changing A Light Bulb Joke

Q: How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Ten! One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Q: How many conservative Anglicans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the bulb and two to storm out in protest if the person changing it is a woman.

Q: How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None; they use candles.

Q: How many Youth ministers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Youth ministers aren’t around long enough for a bulb to burn out.

Q: How many TV Evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But for the message of light to continue, please send your donation………..

Q: How many reformed evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifteen. One to change the light bulb after the others have held a study conference to find out if Whitefield, Spurgeon or Calvin ever changed a light bulb,
how they did it, and how we can do it in the same spirit today.

Q: How many Strict Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Change??????????????

Q: How many members of of a long established Bible-teaching church does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much they preferred the old one.

Q: How many Free Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. They always do it unaccompanied.

Q: How many Independent Separitists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. Any more might result in too much co-operation.

Q: How many Hyper-Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. When God wants to change a light bulb, young man, He can do it without your assistance!

Q: How many Arminians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, provided the light bulb is prepared to make a bit of an effort as well.

Pastoral Vacancy – who would you give the job to?

Applicants for the vacancy of Pastor:

Adam: Good man but has problems with his wife. Known to practice nud*ty in public, however.

Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years but no converts. Prone to unrealistic building projects.

Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart; believes in dream interpretation and has a prison record.

Moses: A modest and meek man, but a poor communicator; even stutters at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly in business meetings. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge!

David: The most promising leader of all the applicants until we discovered the affair he had with a neighbour’s wife.

Solomon: Great preacher, but serious woman problem.

Elijah: Prone to depression; collapses under pressure.

Hosea: A tender and loving pastor, but our people could never handle his wife’s occupation.

Jonah: Told us he was swallowed by a great fish. He said the fish later spat him out on the shore near here. We hung up.

Amos: Too much of a country hick. Backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he might have promise, but he has a hang-up against wealthy people.

John: Some say he’s a Baptist, but he doesn’t dress like one. May be too Pentecostal. Tends to lift both hands in the air to worship when he gets excited. You know we limit to ONE hand. Sleeps in the outdoors, has a weird diet and provokes denominational leaders.

Peter: Too blue-collar. Has a bad temper, even said to have cursed in public. He’s a loose cannon.

Paul: Powerful CEO type and fascinating preacher. However, he’s short on tact, unforgiving with young ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night.

Timothy: Too young.

Judas: His references are SOLID! A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We’re inviting him to preach with a view!!

The End is Near…

Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.

One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground, which said:

DA END ISS NEAR!
TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW
BAFOR IT ISS TOO LATE!

As a car sped past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, “Leave people alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!”

From the curve, they hear screeching tires and a big splash.

Shaking his head, Rev. Ole says, “Dat’s da terd one dis mornin’.

“Yaa,” Pastor Sven agrees, then asks,

“Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say, ‘Bridge Out?'”