No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Few women admit their age; few men act it.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
You can’t have everything; where would you put it?
Campers: Nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes.
Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
DNA: National Dyslexic Association.
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
On the other hand…. you have different fingers.
I don’t find it hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.
I just let my mind wander, and it didn’t come back.
Don’t steal, the government hates competition.
Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
National Atheist’s Day is April 1st.
I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.
No matter where you go, you’re there.
If everything is coming your way, then you’re in the wrong lane.
Gravity always gets me down.
They told me I was gullible…and I believed them.
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
According to my best recollection, I don’t remember.
The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG! it happened.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!
If at first you don’t succeed, don’t try skydiving.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Evolution: True science fiction.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I intend to live forever. So far so good.